Fuckery

I’ve never felt like this. My worries and fears have got me underwhelmed. I was down. Nothing could please the agony. I wanted to shriek but something held me back. I couldn’t understand. I wish I could. I didn’t know if it was this envious feeling or uncontrollable angst. I feared. I groaned. I screamed. But it didn’t change a thing. The harder I tried to comfort myself, the more the anxiety got in me. I teared up. I yelled. Nothing changed. Did it always end up like this? The villain had it all figured out. The loser would always get beaten up. The rich always got what he wanted. I contemplated. I questioned myself as I started to give in. I was about to break. All this time around, I mended. I started to believe that my life was a failure. I started to let it all go. I had no faith. My conviction faded. People disappeared as everything went upside-down. Was there any point of regretting? I wondered. Was there any point of trying? I figured that I was trapped in the uncertainty. The mystery of tomorrow was everything we tried to find out. Would it make any better if I quitted from the beginning? Would it lose the pain I’ve felt if I just gave it all up? I kept questioning and it seemed there was always no answer. I wish I knew better.

S.O.L.I.T.U.D.E.

Solitude. The state of being alone. First time I heard this word was from Dinia. I visited her blog and I found that she was and still is the solitude-is-a-bliss girl. No offense but I think I can really relate to her. I am currently enjoying my solitude. I’ve been staying away from my family for almost four months. I go back every weekend though. I prefer this way. I can sleep all-day without getting distracted. I can read some biography books while sipping the hot chocolate milk. I can do anything by myself. I have a roommies but that does not change anything cause he barely stays in the room. I can play on loud music and dance like a freak without having people looked at me. Back in my home, I have no privacy. SO THIS IS KINDA FUN TO BE AWAY FROM FAMILY. Sometimes, I miss them though. But I can still see them every weekend J I go swimming once a week alone. I go to the library to calm my chaotic mind. I watch horror or rom-com movies to ease the stress. I put on Beyonce song to make me feel energetic and pumped out. I read my bible to awaken my spiritual awareness of God’s Love for me. I make instant noodle whenever I am starving in the mid-night. I take a loads of picture to channel the narcisstic side of me. I perch myself on the corner of my room whenever I feel like missing my family. I just love the idea of being independent. The idea of getting pleasure by doing everything by myself. The idea of having my indulgent time without any distractions. But this does not make me become anti-social-freak. I still socialize with my peer. I still phone my parents when I miss them. I let them know about what I’ve been through, my grades, my friends, my lecturers if possible. I post this entry because I want to let you know that having private time on your own is somehow necessary. Give it a rest to yourself to clear all the hecticness. Spoil yourself if needed. I bet you will feel better afterward ;)

11-11-11

11-11-11 memang bukan hari keberuntungan saya. Tadi pagi, saya harus berhadapan dengan badan yang meriang dan sakit kepala yang menyiksa seluruh badan. Makan pun tak enak tidurku pun tiada nyenyak *kok-nyanyi* Badan saya sudah lemas, lunglai, letih, lesu, lemah dan lain-lainnya. Seluruh badan itu seperti pegal-pegal. Akhirnya sekitar jam 9, saya coba jalan ke health care untuk minta obat resep suster. Sesampai disana, saya diberikan sekitar 30 tablet obat yang masing0masing buat demam, radang dan sakit kepala. Tidak lupa antibiotik. Perjalanan dari asrama sampai helath care itu bagai sebuah perjuangan membela tanah air. Berat banget. Mungkin lebih berat dari berat badan Pretty Asmara. Saya bisa pingsan kapan saja. Tapi untungnya, saya sampai asrama dengan sehat walafiat tanpa maksiat.

Tujuan saya menulis post ini hanya sekedar untuk pengasihanan diri sendiri. Ini dikarenakan tidak ada orang yang mengasihani saya. -_-

♥ ♥

Young Noah: It's not about following your heart and it's not about keeping your promises. It's about security.
Young Allie: What's that supposed to mean?
Young Noah: [yelling] Money. He's got a lot of money!
Young Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah: You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

We Found Love

"It's like you're screaming but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you and when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good." We Found Love

The things just got really messed up. I haven't been able to spare my time for blogging ;) I was stressed out with the assignments, works and everything. The i-net has been off for two weeks and my blackberry got stolen. It's been pretty fucked up. Communicating distracted cos i ain't got phone. I hate to input all the contacts all over again. It's quite troublesome and gruelling.

On top of every awful things i said, i try to be thankful. My mom said that "grattitude matters" . It reflects how we treat our life and it determines how we handle problems in our life. Indeed. i couldn't agree more. Most of the time, we come up with the problems and we condescend by being so negative about it. Rather, we complain and nag about it. Our time is basically wasted if we often feel ungrateful about our life.

apabangetdah ;0

Living History Hilary Rodham Clinton

I read this book entitled “ Living History Hillary Rodham Clinton” and I got carried away by her writing. Hilary wrote her own biography and made the book as #1 worldwide bestseller. I am not really a politic person but this book has given me the clear perspectives in which politic is not necessarily dull and boring. This book is intimate, powerful and inspiring. It captures the essence of this remarkable woman and the challenging process through which she came to define herself and her own voice – as a wife, a mother and one of the most formidable figures in the history of American politics. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! :)