Putera Puteri Kartini 2013

I signed myself up to compete in this competition. At first, I had my doubt for joining this because I didn’t think that I was confident enough to step up. Knowing that the location held was in Bekasi as well. I was scared as always. But I thought why I didn’t give it a try. I assumed that I would be a lot happier if I failed trying rather than not trying at all

Audition started. I was a little late because I got lost on my way to the location. It was located in the Kantor Walikota Bekasi. The audition took a start with writing an essay about R.A. Kartini. Then, it continued with the interview. I waited for like 3 hours to audition but it was pretty fun though. I met all new people and somehow I felt so comfortable mingling with new friends. It began with writing an essay about the values of R.A. Kartini that we could implement daily in our lives. Then, it followed with the interview. In the interview part, I had to face with some of the judges and I needed to showcase my talent as well. Nervousness was there and I tried to be as calm as I could possibly be although it was raging inside. The judging went pretty well and was even better than I expected. I was so much of myself and felt so comfortable dealing with a lot of tricky questions. I held it together and answered very thoroughly.

The announcement via twitter came up. I did get picked as the finalist and I was excited. The thing that concerned me the most was how I was going to attend the quarantine section knowing the fact that it was going to be held around in Bekasi. My dorm was in Cikarang and it was going to be really frustrating to go back and forth. But I thought that this was the challenge I was willing to take. I dealt with it.

They called it “workshop” and it took three days to get through. I was taught a lot about “Inner Beauty”, “HIV/AIDS and its guidance to avoid it”, “Organizational Structure of Abang Mpok”, “3R and environment” and other beneficial lectures. I grasped all the knowledge I received and really took it all in. It approximately went week and a half to do all the process before the final night. I met some of the amazing great achievers and they were talented in their own unique ways. Since the workshop, I got really close with Taufan and Adiestian and I paired with the lovely Tiara Devi. I felt so much togetherness and sense of belonging in surroundings of top 40 Finalist and all the mentors such as Bang Theo, Bang Aspira, Bang Cah, Bang Arga, Kak Eva, Bang Rahar, and Bang Imam who voluntarily helped me and the rest of us through the journey and I began to appreciate the value of discipline from these inspirational people. I knew that if I didn’t win, I would not regret a single bit. Because through Putera-Puteri Kartini, I valued the thing called journey. The ups and downs, the hard and the goods, all had to be experienced in order to achieve glory.

The final night arrived. I had to thank my fellow, Aby for lending me the baju koko because I hardly got a chance to buy one since mine was back in my home. We did the run-through and the feelings were mixed. We practiced our question and answer, catwalk, our opening dance and our confidence. Until it came to the announcement of top 20 and I was called first by the MC. I advanced to the question and answer session. I remembered I was with Teh Ana to do the QnA.

- My question was “which one do you prefer? Having a lot of friends but you’re acting fake or less friends but you’re true to yourselves”.

- I answered very straight-forward with “I’d rather go with the second one. Because that means I’m true to myself, I’m true with my conviction. And by being true to myself, I can be a better human being.”

I felt pretty good about myself. But I laid it all down to God. Then, it came the moment which was the announcement of top 10. I was called first again and I was pretty much pleased because I knew that I did excellent. The question landed again on me and it was from Bang Arga.

-The question was like this “How do you feel about the heroic deeds that Kartini has contributed to Indonesia? Was it wasteful or worth-it?”

-A : I think that Kartini’s struggle has been very successful because right now at the moment we could witness a lot of great women leaders in everywhere not only in Indonesia but in the world. Take the example of Megawati, Margaret Thatcher and Sri Mulyani. They have contributed so much for Indonesia and the world.

I called it my defining moment because I never felt so confident answering the question like that. I prayed so hard and hopefully the result could be the best decision they made. I wanted to win but I think winning wasn’t always my goal. I embraced all of it, good and bad. So here came the result. I was called out as the first runner up along with Siska Indah to receive the trophy. Miss Indonesia “Very Fresh”, Marsha Pical handed me the trophy and gave me a little smooch that made the audiences went “BOO”. It was a total gimmick. My hands were shaken and got shivered all over my body. I couldn’t believe it. It paid off. Finally, these hard works and sweats I had been putting were satisfying.

Putera – Puteri Kartini               : Alwan Fadhal & Nabilla Arswendita

1^st Runner Up                           : Daniel Samuel & Siska Indah Pratiwi

2^nd Runner Up                          : Andrew Bantong & Dita Puspita

The Best Talent                        : Riantama S. & Devi Gheisyah

The Most Photogenic                : Ryan Goutama & Aisyah

The Most Favorite                    : Sutan Chaniago & Mellie Leonita

 With the lovely Tiara Devi, my patient partner during the whole competition.

 With Siska Indah crowned as the 1st runner up with the help of Marsha Pical. Miss Very Fresh from Miss Indonesia 2013

Botani Ambassador 2013

It started off when I took a semester break from my university. During my break, I decided to brave myself auditioning for BA’13. I looked it up online and tried to find out more about the audition through twitter. I asked my friend, Kristianus to come go with and audition together as well. I couldn’t remember the exact date but I participated on the first day of audition. I lined up and waited for couple of minutes to get auditioned. At the very first glance, I thought the audition was going to be all loud and showcasing talent and time-consuming. But it turned out to be all the other way around. I was asked by one of the management of the mall about some general questions and pretty much direct questions. Right after being questioned, he asked me to catwalk around the stage. The audition took only about five minutes. It left me feeling pretty doubtful.

A week later, there went the announcement for the top 60 semifinalist. The announcement was published in twitter and the semifinalist got called up by the officials as well. It was hella nerve-wrecking for me. I didn’t want to put up high expectations but I wasn’t going to lie that I was very anxious. I was at the gym at that time. I kept refreshing the timeline in twitter until my bb battery drained. I was exactly in angkot on the way back to my home and then my other phone rang. I hardly recognized the number but I was going to pick up anyway. BOOM. It’s from the official of BA’13. She (the operator) congratulated me for I was selected as one of the semifinalist of BA’13 that later would have semifinal round in Botani Square. I couldn’t contain my happiness. All I could ever think about was jumping from my seat knowing how much this overwhelmed me. I haven’t talked to anyone except my friend about me auditioning. It was pretty EXCITING.

The day of the semifinal round arrived. Each contestant was required to do the question-answer session and talent-show session. I hated when someone I knew watching me in the stage. I was much more confident if I had to do this on my own. I meant there would be no embarrassment if only strangers saw me. I chose presenting to be my talent. Easy peasy breezy pick. We did a little rehearsal before getting in to the real semifinal round. The semifinal began to start. I remembered I was on the 40ish turn to get up on the stage. It was so numbingly long to wait all people being questioned and my eyes went teary (due to the unoccupied glasses) I remembered I was being asked by Kang Edy Bingky (I didn’t know whether I correctly wrote off the correct name or not) about the importance of an attitude in this kind of competition. I answered very smoothly but it wasn’t hitting the point I could see anyone getting so bored on the whole thing. The exact same thing went for my talent show. I was on the line with several people in the stage and one of the judges which was namely famous supermodel Emmy Chaniago called out the line was the most boring out of all. She even spilled out that it made her doze off on the entire thing. Truth to be told, I was crushed on the stage. My high hopes just fell of to the lowest place on earth. I just wanted to runaway and lock myself up in the bathroom, I was exaggeratingly embarrassed with no apparent reason (D’OH) I kept on assuring myself that I thought I did what I needed to do. I needed to stop being so hard on myself. I went home with head held high.

On the next days, I as always anxiously waited for the announcement of the finalist. They said on twitter the selected finalist would get called out and would be participating in workshop and of course grand final. I was pessimistic and wishful at the same time. I kept on beating myself because I knew that I should have done better. Until I got a call telling me that I was on the top 30 FINALIST OF BOTANI AMBASSADOR 2013. It was mixed feelings and my mom was there when I got the call. I could not have been any happier than this. People might take these things very lightly but I knew that this was one of a lifetime opportunity. I should not take things for granted. In fact, I couldn’t.

I had to go through two days of workshop. I was so pumped up for the workshop because I knew that I would be having a definite blast being taught by the professionals. The line-up guests were pretty interesting. There were Mr. Edmund Daniel, Emmy Chaniago, lovely Mas Yudhistira, and Mas Agung from Bentuk Management. They were pro in their own fields. I just soaked it up all the knowledge and lectures that were nicely given by them. I got to know each and every one of the finalist. They were incredibly talented and amazing. Some of them had been doing this kind of thing a lot. Some might have had a really impressive experience in an entertainment industry. I was forever grateful to be surrounded by these people. I was also glad that the judges saw something in me that I never thought I had. Coming from a really painful childhood and not having people like you the way you wanted to be was sometimes the biggest obstacle for me to gain confidence. I was so scared all the time. This just proved to me that I am capable of anything as long as I put my heart and determination in to it.

The grand final had finally approached. I prepped all the routine, the material for the question and answer and all the costumes needed. I didn’t push myself too hard because at the end of the day, I thought winning was just a bonus. It was a very life-changing experience for me to be even chosen as the finalist of BA’13. Everything was picture-perfect and the announcement finally came. It would be a lie if there wasn’t a tiny wishful wanting to get called out as a winner. But I tried to let go and didn’t put high expectations. THEN, I got called out to receive the title of The Most Fashionable 2013. It was an attribute title and I was just so happy that I wouldn’t go home empty handed. I was beyond elated and it finally paid off after battling through beating myself and confidence crisis. I made it. It’s just a living proof that I could do things that I never imagined. I truly believe that the key of success is the combination of determination, dedication and discipline. Pray as well because God will definitely help you every step of the way.

Here’s the list of the winner:

Botani Ambassador 2013            : Ivan Henry and Suprata Annisa

1st Runner Up                          : Abdy Azwar and Nabilla Lendy

2^nd Runner Up                          : Bayu Adhitama and Maria Eveline

The Most Intelligent                 : Whida Roshitama

The Most Talented                   : Risal Alfiansyah

The Most Fashionable               : ME – Daniel Samuel

The Best Catwalk                     : Deddy P. and Dini Mega

The Best Photogenic                 : Rheza Rahman and Nhattira Aurellia

Most Favorite                           : Imam Alfarabhy and Karina Oktavia

Quote Unquote

“I know that life has taught me real hard to stay grounded and down-to-earth. I never perceive myself to be satisfied for achieving something and I honestly I have maintained to stay starved and always take everything as a precious experience. I never take anything for granted. I understand that I can not be the person of who I am without these people who are always there. I can’t be Daniel Samuel without those never-ending encouragements, supports and sage advices. I am always thirst when it comes to learning. I don’t want people to look at me as a very cocky, stuck-up person. I’ve always humbled all I am in order to be up.”

“It’s like we’ve been hearing the same old preach and it doesn’t feel anything anymore. It gets numb. It binds all the uncaged inspiration and admirable charisma.”

“I keep doing all these shits for other people until I wake up I feel nothing. I am empty.” – Tifany Maxwell

“Not altering my personality for the sake of fitting in”

          I tweeted this in my personal twitter account to portray how I really felt during the last pageant I participated. I begin to understand that I always struggle to put myself in the center of society. I don’t want to be those attention-seekers who always have to say in everything and just fake it to make it. I’ve always wanted to be true to who I am and that way I can feel comfortable at the most. Most people would find it difficult to “mingle” with me because of how self-conscious I am. That is the thing. It is indeed hard to break my self-sonsciousness and I guess, people respond it negatively. I am cool to be around with but I just don’t want to put myself all out there, you know I’m saying? It’s almost inexplicable to elaborate that kind of feeling.

          I am hardly clueless why I have become so stiff in making friends and it turns out to be quite a torture for me. It is almost like I am not comfortable enough with anything, I don’t how to act, to talk or even to laugh in front of them. I mean, it’s definitely a personal issue and I wouldn’t blame anyone to take the guilt. It is so confusing to know that I go through this kind of issue when in fact during the first pageant I joined , I earned “The Best Congeniality”. It just hits me real hard to have known this. I know that these couple of months, I don’t socialize much and i spend most of my times in home, scribbling, surfing the internet, tweeting and all that pretty self-involved activites. By encountering this, I gather the urge to get this problem solved. I need to get back and be a normal social person. Hashtag POUW!

Me being shallow-minded

I don’t like here. I don’t know whether I am taking the right path or not. It is just a plain blur. I feel like this is not something that I’ll be doing for a long term. My dream is a jumbled word. I need to get a grip and get it all together fast. I am not a visionary person afterall. Wouldn’t blame the situations either but I am heading nowhere. There will be no finish line that I could possibly aim. It almost feels like running with no end. I am passionate but never find the truest passion. Opinions and suggestions would make no use right now. People keep blabbing but never have they been competent in doing actions. They are worthless piece of junk. Yes, I am that person who dislikes hypocrisy and false promises. They have ruined my belief toward humanity.

Ever imagined people that are very close-related to you always say the nicest bullshit in front of you yet they still feel that they are so self-righteous and so confident in what they are talking about? I have been so silent for quite a long time now. I hate how society always agrees in almost everything they’re given. I mean, what is that? Are we ever gonna be satisfied with this very simple-minded people? They are narrow, old-minded, and childish. It is always infuriating just to even think about it. I don’t fucking care about being normal and perfection. All I need is doing what I’m very best at and making people that matter to me happy. Regardless of how ironic this could sound, I currently have no one to look up to. It’s hard to find people who could exemplify the best role model. People are bitter.  

Letih. .
Seperti diriku tenggelam dalam ketidaktahuan.Letih mengejar sesuatu yang memberikan ketidakpastian. Mereka tidak mengerti apa arti sebuah ambisi. Mereka tidak pernah tahu isi hati. Letih aku berbicara bila hanya dianggap angin lalu. Betapa aku mencoba dan berusaha. Tidak ada titik puncak dan tidak ada kata-kata yang menyemangati. Kadang aku benci melihat mereka tertawa. Ingin ku menghujat mereka yang mendapatkannya begitu mudah. Hidup penuh kemakmuran dan berkecukupan, tetapi masih mengharapkan yang lebih. Aku bukanlah manusia suci. Dosa pun adalah makananku sehari-hari. Berjuang menghindarinya pun adalah suatu kenikmatan yang susah dilepaskan. Aku tertegun di pagi hari. Berpikir apakah hidup ini memberi arti? Apakah nanti mereka akan menyeka namaku didalam ingatan. Apakah aku hanya seorang yang tak berfaedah. Aku ingin hidup dalam anganku. Terlihat indah dan bebas. Aku merindu hidup dalam kasih dan berkasmaran. Munafik bila aku berkata aku benci dicintai. 

SPEAK! COMPETITION

Wouldn't wanna show off or anything but i wanna share the experience from joining the Speak Competition held by Speak magazine from Jakarta Post at Rasuna Epicentrum, Jakarta on November 10th. I didn't win but the fact that I was surrounded by talented inspiring youngsters who are eagerly thirst to make a change in the society is extremely thrilling. i brought the topic "bullying' to the surface and nothing excites me more than to know that I could take a huge stand raising this issue and be appreciated like this.

here are some shots :

 Featured in one of the edition of Speak magazine by Jakarta Post

 The announcement of the Winner ;)

I was the fourth to present my topic.

Proudest me

This is not going to be a so-called-bragging-self-proclaimed-awesome writing. I have this weird urge to write my thoughts out in my blog. I’m gonna start by saying that I am most definitely grateful to be me, Despite all the oddity and uniqueness that I am well-endowed, I am pretty elated that one particular sperm cell of my dad swam so swiftly to my mom’s egg and resulted in a magnificent me. That sounds biologically hyperbolic. Anyway, I’m not saying that I don’t struggle with my confidence and my low self-esteem. It’s just that I am at the point where I gather my thoughts carefully that I am supposed to be who I am. Yes, I’ve looked up to so many people and I am not denying that they don’t affect my point of view about my self-confidence.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much as a stronger person. I’ve gained a maturity that holds me to stay still when everything seems to fall apart. I believe that from every pain that cuts deep through my soul, I will pass through it. It has never come easy to me but I keep going. Looking back to the times where I find myself being called out, avoided and harshly-treated and I need to be thankful for all those miserable moments. Those aren’t even worth to be called “moments”. I pretty much realize that those have cultivated me to be the person who I am today. That I shouldn’t be  ashamed of anything. Those experiences have pushed me to beyond my limit and made me break all the boundaries.

There are lot of obstacles that hold me back but there are also plenty of wonderful opportunities out there waiting for me. Playing safe and restraining myself will not get me anywhere. This way has taught me to keep striving for what I want and what I believe in.

It amazes me that how people surround me and have so much faith in me. They have constantly given me the firing fuel to overcome anything. And believe me, there are so much to overcome. Dealing with the obviousness and the “what people think of you” has been the neverending issue in my life. I am always anxiously worried about people’s opinion about me. How are they gonna judge me? What if their perceptions about me are all awful? I figure that it’s not always pleasing people who don’t give a shit, rather it’s all about pleasing people who matter to me. The ones who deal with my flaws and still genuinely accept me for that.

I happen to have a lot of amazing people in my life who see me inside out and still love me. I happen not to flaunt it but I have to be thankful. It’s not like I force them to like me but they are willing to deal with me everyday because they always believe in me no matter what. They don’t fade but they stay the same.

In circumstances that I am under and for what God has created me this way, I am proud. I pity a lot of people who are so not confident in defining themselves. Each and everyone of us is unique in our weird way and the difference we share that somehow unites us. All I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with embracing yourselves. God has made you “serupa dengan Dia” so there is nothing to be ashamed of and you should be damn grateful for who you are. Peace out!

I pulled off my longest sigh as I captured myself dozing off in front of my laptop. I hardly slept due to the fact that I had to have two exams in one day. Both of them were amazingly difficult. I always thought about not giving a fuck and slept instead. But I felt that there was this little voice whispering me to keep striving, no matter how hard it seemed. One of my friend bbm-ed me in the morning and told one of the nicest thing to me. She encouraged me with the good words and uplifting wisdom. I was terribly nervous and blessed at the same time. I have not had people saying those inspiring supports and knowing that it came from her meant a lot to me. What she did was like a God’s way of making me strong. To strengthen my weak body. To lift up my enthusiasm. I believe that GOD never sleeps. He was and is always there to listen to me. He listens every bit of my annoying nags and rants and complaints. There was a time when I felt like I was questioning His existence. How he got me in so many troubles and I felt like giving it all up was the only thing left in my mind. I truly learn that I should surrender more to Him because He is the helping hand. I have always thought that other people have a better lives than mine. They are so fulfilled and the only problem that they had was about all dating, boys like girls stuff or even the tiniest unimportant stuff like miscommunication. That made me question how they got everything so easy while I had to struggle and work my butt off to do this and that. I complaint a lot about literally anything. And I had no one to talk to. It was not that I was too pussy to spit it out but they would never understand and not even give a damn about me. I kept it all inside that I sometimes got so frustrated. I honestly felt sorry for myself. I knew it would not change a thing. What I sincerely learnt from today is that God’s help is never too late. He works in a very mysterious way. Keep believing in HIM :)

"I am no good. You should never hang your life on someone like me. I am more than just a person that appears to you now. I am more perplexed and complicated. Do you love me even with my dark side?"

menulispuisi

Tak ingin aku menanti

Menanti akan sebuah harapan kosong

Dibelai lalu diludahi begitu saja

Tak ingin aku jatuh akan semua kata-kata manis

Jika nanti hanya akan dibuang

Tidak digubris

Aku menangis 

Karena perasaan ini terlalu suci

Aku benci 

Karena telah menggenggammu terlalu erat

Goresan luka ini menggundahkan sukma

Berbaring dengan pulas pun aku segan

Kata "Cinta" hanyalah sebuah ilusi

Yang tercipta hanya untuk mengusik

Digunakan untuk melukai

Written for you.....


This couple of week, I couldn't hold on to the thought of not seeing you.
I long to see your magical smile
It feels like it's always been something missing if I hadn't had the chance to say hello
Last night, I dreamt about you
I was yours and you were mine
We were pretty much happy in my imaginary world
God knew that I didn't want to wake up from you
as I breathe in the glimpse of ours
I sobbed
I really hoped I fought for you even harder
I missed being with you
I craved our laughter
I wish I had enough guts to speak it out loud
I could never be honest about my feeling

Agonising Irony

I am supposed to be thankful for what I am and what I have accomplished but people have been giving me the negative energy and tough time. I couldn't help it. I am always defenseless and fragile inside. I am never gonna be good enough, am I? It seems like all my struggles and striving are for nothing. It has always been that kind of feeling when I don't succeed and they all look me in a pity. Although, I try my hardest to suck it all up and put on a giant smile in my face. I know I have given my all out and I feel like I earn everything with my own blood-dripping efforts. It doesn't matter if I had to face the failure. It doesn't matter if people look down on me like they always do. It doesn't matter if they still treat me like a joke. I keep on saying in my heart "It's Okay. We'll try next time". What upsets me is that it is so heartbreaking to let so many people down. Even, I couldn't help my own dissapointment. I cry right away. I sob in the tears of frustration. I am alone, and hold close my pillows. I need someone to listen to all my annoying rants. There is nobody. I've always been alone. It is so difficult to wake up in the morning and leave all the guilt away. Like there's something gets me inside that won't let me breathe as liberating as I used to be. I think nobody would ever understand this as much as I do. Agonising irony.  

Unspoken admiration

I was standing there trying to cover up my relentless sadness

The feeling is inexplicable

It pains me to see you

Although we haven’t even said a word

I know I am being a colossal idiot

It’s always been about wishing and not getting

It’s always been about me wanting you to be mine

I guess the word pathetic couldn’t even describe my feeling towards you

I’m drowning in tears

Full of disappointments

It’s like I’ve been pulled against gravity

All I really want is to disappear and be as heartless as I could be

I wish I didn’t meet you so this invigorating feeling will not be taken away

I know it’s so stupid to fall in love with someone you haven’t  even talked to

It’s weird

I’m weird

:” “ “ “(

University Life

Hari ketiga ngampus. So yeah prolly, it may sound so boring that I told you this. Let’s not jump in to details but I’d like to share something. Kelas yang menurut pendapat gue “interesting” slash “intriguing”. I was kinda expecting that this class would be deadly dreadful or awfully boring. But it TURNED OUT the other way around. So, this lecturer, which I don’t think it’s not ethical to name name here, she’s a lady though, has taught me a very mind-boggling lesson. I admire her personality and the way she speaks up about even the slightest details. Knowing the fact that she’s graduated from Psychological major and stuff, I can see from where it’s coming. One thing that caught me off guard is that I feel that she’s the kind of educator that I’ve been longing. Her English is beyond flawless although she may slip Indonesian in enlightening lesson. I mean, personally, I feel challenged in a weird kind of way. There’s something about her teaching that is very attractive. I don’t mind spending two and half an hour sitting my ass off listening. It’s like “finally, I got this one that wouldn’t be boring for the whole semester.” The two previous lecturers were just ugh! Without intending to discredit their ability, maybe I’m just not as ecstatic as I want to be. Fingers tightly crossed for me to ace all the subjects. :O

Sometimes, I feel like life has treated me unfair. For some of people, it always seems so simple. They are so “fulfilled”. I couldn’t hold on to that thought any longer. But then it all comes back to one simple thought. Why would I even be giving a crap about being fulfilled and enriched with something that lasts? Some people are head over heels about looking fancy and getting all dolled so they can finally be accepted by certain groups. Self-pity. The way I see it, it’s almost like all go back together to high school. Fame, popularity and good reputation. Who actually gives a shit about what happened to you if you didn’t have any of those. You know, you won’t have that kind of attention unless you’re good looking and exceptionally smart. That’s a human nature. Everyone without even realizing that would do the same. I’ve come to thinking that picking friends is as essentially complicated as picking shoes with the right size. Friends would fade, true friends would stay all the way through the bads and goods, the ups and downs, and somewhere inbetween.

Kan-jen

I wish . .

Would like to share some of my thought that have been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. Okay, I have been mindfucked with the fact that I couldn’t afford to pay the tuition fee. Like Omaygash, I couldn’t think of any solution and quite frankly, I almost couldn’t sleep by just having it pass through my mind. The fee is expensive, I must say. And I think there’s no way I could pay it right away. I am frustrated. That I can say for sure. All I think about right now is my family and making them happy is what I aim for. To be in university and to be graduated there is one of the ways for me to make a better living. I desperately need money. I don’t know if I can get through this. You know, I am holding on to my faith and I certainly believe that Miracles do happen. It passes through my mind that I should get a part-time job. I blew my chance on being a teacher that I failed to pass the interview. I didn’t know what I could possibly if I were to get a job. I am crossing every finger and hoping everything will go just right. I solely depend on My God. He’s the only helping hand that I can count on. :’)

boomboomboom

“It is the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny. But I’ve gotta let it go.” I think I have to let go regardless of how madly crazy this feeling is I have been keeping. The thing is I can’t have you. More like there ain’t no way. Wouldn’t say I am not devastated but I kinda am. Being single and pretty much going through life where single is kinda miserable IS definitely no good. As much as I want to deny this, I am pretty much a sucker when it comes to romance. I mean, love is a hella wonderful feeling. Hey, I’ve been in love and it was definitely a joy that I triumphed. Anyway, I have got the chance so many remarkable movies this week. From My Week With Marilyn all the way to War Horse. Michelle Williams is as stunningly brilliant as she portrayed a troubled slash iconic slash famous Marilyn Monroe. I am fascinated by all the gestures, talking and even her movement. War Horse is as aspiring as any movie could have been. I thoroughly enjoyed the two movies, though. Nothing much happens this week though except knowing the fact that I’ll be having final exam semester 2. Everything has been a rollercoaster for me. You know the uni stuff, everything just happens to be fast. Ehm, what else should I write? I guess it’s the end then.

Rants

It’s early in the morning. I feel like writing. So, here it is. Just a perplexed thought. Not intending to offend anyone in particular. I just feel the urge to spit it out. I am sick of living with people whose lives are entirely full of bullshit. Pure bull fuckin shit. They say things that are meaningless, far from the word thoughtful and harsh. They are afraid of letting their truest to be seen. I am sick of hearing their nonsense. They are no good for me. They have never been constructive enough to make me better. They are fake scumbags and I have serious problem with that. They are cocky prick. Douchebags. They are fucked up. I despise them. I know there are so many anger going inside me. I even cry hating them because I actually can’t do anything about it. I AM JUST FUCKIN’ TIRED TO PUT UP WITH THEIR CRAPS. They are full of themselves and shit going on in their life. If I could run away from them, I would. I couldn’t. Being surrounded with so many negativity does make me negative. Sometimes, I just want to live life the way I wanted it to be. The way I’ve always planned from the beginning. Not any single person in this whole wide world gets me. Not a single one. I was alone, I have always been alone and I am alone. Nobody wants to hear craps about me. All they care about me helping them, entertaining them, being there for them. No one wants to eagerly listen to my fuckin’ problem. How is it with my day, my disappointment, all of my craps. No one. Not even my family. There, I said it. Meanwhile, I love each and every one of them. They don’t seem to care. About my friends, my lessons, my exams. They don’t give a shit if I got into writing competition, got into an organization. Then why did I have to work my butt off achieving things. . . ? They are all the reason why I’ve been strieving for perfection, How could they care less? How? I hate everyone. Everyone. I am actually writing this with tears drowning on my face. I am pathetic and I am aware of that. It’s not that I am cranky son of a bitch and emotionally disturbed. I need someone to bear this all along. I couldn’t do it by myself. I know I am ranting too much and believe me, If you’re not interested in any of my craps then leave. Don’t be hard to even feel pity. I need someone who is sincere. That’s all. Someone who beats his shit out in front of people, who is daring enough to admit his flaws, who is shamelessly frank about himself. Haven’t met one. Go make any conclusions and assumptions as you finished reading this. Excuze my lack of fuckery.