Agonising Irony

I am supposed to be thankful for what I am and what I have accomplished but people have been giving me the negative energy and tough time. I couldn't help it. I am always defenseless and fragile inside. I am never gonna be good enough, am I? It seems like all my struggles and striving are for nothing. It has always been that kind of feeling when I don't succeed and they all look me in a pity. Although, I try my hardest to suck it all up and put on a giant smile in my face. I know I have given my all out and I feel like I earn everything with my own blood-dripping efforts. It doesn't matter if I had to face the failure. It doesn't matter if people look down on me like they always do. It doesn't matter if they still treat me like a joke. I keep on saying in my heart "It's Okay. We'll try next time". What upsets me is that it is so heartbreaking to let so many people down. Even, I couldn't help my own dissapointment. I cry right away. I sob in the tears of frustration. I am alone, and hold close my pillows. I need someone to listen to all my annoying rants. There is nobody. I've always been alone. It is so difficult to wake up in the morning and leave all the guilt away. Like there's something gets me inside that won't let me breathe as liberating as I used to be. I think nobody would ever understand this as much as I do. Agonising irony.