Written for you.....


This couple of week, I couldn't hold on to the thought of not seeing you.
I long to see your magical smile
It feels like it's always been something missing if I hadn't had the chance to say hello
Last night, I dreamt about you
I was yours and you were mine
We were pretty much happy in my imaginary world
God knew that I didn't want to wake up from you
as I breathe in the glimpse of ours
I sobbed
I really hoped I fought for you even harder
I missed being with you
I craved our laughter
I wish I had enough guts to speak it out loud
I could never be honest about my feeling

Agonising Irony

I am supposed to be thankful for what I am and what I have accomplished but people have been giving me the negative energy and tough time. I couldn't help it. I am always defenseless and fragile inside. I am never gonna be good enough, am I? It seems like all my struggles and striving are for nothing. It has always been that kind of feeling when I don't succeed and they all look me in a pity. Although, I try my hardest to suck it all up and put on a giant smile in my face. I know I have given my all out and I feel like I earn everything with my own blood-dripping efforts. It doesn't matter if I had to face the failure. It doesn't matter if people look down on me like they always do. It doesn't matter if they still treat me like a joke. I keep on saying in my heart "It's Okay. We'll try next time". What upsets me is that it is so heartbreaking to let so many people down. Even, I couldn't help my own dissapointment. I cry right away. I sob in the tears of frustration. I am alone, and hold close my pillows. I need someone to listen to all my annoying rants. There is nobody. I've always been alone. It is so difficult to wake up in the morning and leave all the guilt away. Like there's something gets me inside that won't let me breathe as liberating as I used to be. I think nobody would ever understand this as much as I do. Agonising irony.  

Unspoken admiration

I was standing there trying to cover up my relentless sadness

The feeling is inexplicable

It pains me to see you

Although we haven’t even said a word

I know I am being a colossal idiot

It’s always been about wishing and not getting

It’s always been about me wanting you to be mine

I guess the word pathetic couldn’t even describe my feeling towards you

I’m drowning in tears

Full of disappointments

It’s like I’ve been pulled against gravity

All I really want is to disappear and be as heartless as I could be

I wish I didn’t meet you so this invigorating feeling will not be taken away

I know it’s so stupid to fall in love with someone you haven’t  even talked to

It’s weird

I’m weird

:” “ “ “(

University Life

Hari ketiga ngampus. So yeah prolly, it may sound so boring that I told you this. Let’s not jump in to details but I’d like to share something. Kelas yang menurut pendapat gue “interesting” slash “intriguing”. I was kinda expecting that this class would be deadly dreadful or awfully boring. But it TURNED OUT the other way around. So, this lecturer, which I don’t think it’s not ethical to name name here, she’s a lady though, has taught me a very mind-boggling lesson. I admire her personality and the way she speaks up about even the slightest details. Knowing the fact that she’s graduated from Psychological major and stuff, I can see from where it’s coming. One thing that caught me off guard is that I feel that she’s the kind of educator that I’ve been longing. Her English is beyond flawless although she may slip Indonesian in enlightening lesson. I mean, personally, I feel challenged in a weird kind of way. There’s something about her teaching that is very attractive. I don’t mind spending two and half an hour sitting my ass off listening. It’s like “finally, I got this one that wouldn’t be boring for the whole semester.” The two previous lecturers were just ugh! Without intending to discredit their ability, maybe I’m just not as ecstatic as I want to be. Fingers tightly crossed for me to ace all the subjects. :O

Sometimes, I feel like life has treated me unfair. For some of people, it always seems so simple. They are so “fulfilled”. I couldn’t hold on to that thought any longer. But then it all comes back to one simple thought. Why would I even be giving a crap about being fulfilled and enriched with something that lasts? Some people are head over heels about looking fancy and getting all dolled so they can finally be accepted by certain groups. Self-pity. The way I see it, it’s almost like all go back together to high school. Fame, popularity and good reputation. Who actually gives a shit about what happened to you if you didn’t have any of those. You know, you won’t have that kind of attention unless you’re good looking and exceptionally smart. That’s a human nature. Everyone without even realizing that would do the same. I’ve come to thinking that picking friends is as essentially complicated as picking shoes with the right size. Friends would fade, true friends would stay all the way through the bads and goods, the ups and downs, and somewhere inbetween.