I pulled off my longest sigh as I captured myself dozing off in front of my laptop. I hardly slept due to the fact that I had to have two exams in one day. Both of them were amazingly difficult. I always thought about not giving a fuck and slept instead. But I felt that there was this little voice whispering me to keep striving, no matter how hard it seemed. One of my friend bbm-ed me in the morning and told one of the nicest thing to me. She encouraged me with the good words and uplifting wisdom. I was terribly nervous and blessed at the same time. I have not had people saying those inspiring supports and knowing that it came from her meant a lot to me. What she did was like a God’s way of making me strong. To strengthen my weak body. To lift up my enthusiasm. I believe that GOD never sleeps. He was and is always there to listen to me. He listens every bit of my annoying nags and rants and complaints. There was a time when I felt like I was questioning His existence. How he got me in so many troubles and I felt like giving it all up was the only thing left in my mind. I truly learn that I should surrender more to Him because He is the helping hand. I have always thought that other people have a better lives than mine. They are so fulfilled and the only problem that they had was about all dating, boys like girls stuff or even the tiniest unimportant stuff like miscommunication. That made me question how they got everything so easy while I had to struggle and work my butt off to do this and that. I complaint a lot about literally anything. And I had no one to talk to. It was not that I was too pussy to spit it out but they would never understand and not even give a damn about me. I kept it all inside that I sometimes got so frustrated. I honestly felt sorry for myself. I knew it would not change a thing. What I sincerely learnt from today is that God’s help is never too late. He works in a very mysterious way. Keep believing in HIM :)

"I am no good. You should never hang your life on someone like me. I am more than just a person that appears to you now. I am more perplexed and complicated. Do you love me even with my dark side?"

menulispuisi

Tak ingin aku menanti

Menanti akan sebuah harapan kosong

Dibelai lalu diludahi begitu saja

Tak ingin aku jatuh akan semua kata-kata manis

Jika nanti hanya akan dibuang

Tidak digubris

Aku menangis 

Karena perasaan ini terlalu suci

Aku benci 

Karena telah menggenggammu terlalu erat

Goresan luka ini menggundahkan sukma

Berbaring dengan pulas pun aku segan

Kata "Cinta" hanyalah sebuah ilusi

Yang tercipta hanya untuk mengusik

Digunakan untuk melukai

Written for you.....


This couple of week, I couldn't hold on to the thought of not seeing you.
I long to see your magical smile
It feels like it's always been something missing if I hadn't had the chance to say hello
Last night, I dreamt about you
I was yours and you were mine
We were pretty much happy in my imaginary world
God knew that I didn't want to wake up from you
as I breathe in the glimpse of ours
I sobbed
I really hoped I fought for you even harder
I missed being with you
I craved our laughter
I wish I had enough guts to speak it out loud
I could never be honest about my feeling

Agonising Irony

I am supposed to be thankful for what I am and what I have accomplished but people have been giving me the negative energy and tough time. I couldn't help it. I am always defenseless and fragile inside. I am never gonna be good enough, am I? It seems like all my struggles and striving are for nothing. It has always been that kind of feeling when I don't succeed and they all look me in a pity. Although, I try my hardest to suck it all up and put on a giant smile in my face. I know I have given my all out and I feel like I earn everything with my own blood-dripping efforts. It doesn't matter if I had to face the failure. It doesn't matter if people look down on me like they always do. It doesn't matter if they still treat me like a joke. I keep on saying in my heart "It's Okay. We'll try next time". What upsets me is that it is so heartbreaking to let so many people down. Even, I couldn't help my own dissapointment. I cry right away. I sob in the tears of frustration. I am alone, and hold close my pillows. I need someone to listen to all my annoying rants. There is nobody. I've always been alone. It is so difficult to wake up in the morning and leave all the guilt away. Like there's something gets me inside that won't let me breathe as liberating as I used to be. I think nobody would ever understand this as much as I do. Agonising irony.