“Not altering my personality for the sake of fitting in”

          I tweeted this in my personal twitter account to portray how I really felt during the last pageant I participated. I begin to understand that I always struggle to put myself in the center of society. I don’t want to be those attention-seekers who always have to say in everything and just fake it to make it. I’ve always wanted to be true to who I am and that way I can feel comfortable at the most. Most people would find it difficult to “mingle” with me because of how self-conscious I am. That is the thing. It is indeed hard to break my self-sonsciousness and I guess, people respond it negatively. I am cool to be around with but I just don’t want to put myself all out there, you know I’m saying? It’s almost inexplicable to elaborate that kind of feeling.

          I am hardly clueless why I have become so stiff in making friends and it turns out to be quite a torture for me. It is almost like I am not comfortable enough with anything, I don’t how to act, to talk or even to laugh in front of them. I mean, it’s definitely a personal issue and I wouldn’t blame anyone to take the guilt. It is so confusing to know that I go through this kind of issue when in fact during the first pageant I joined , I earned “The Best Congeniality”. It just hits me real hard to have known this. I know that these couple of months, I don’t socialize much and i spend most of my times in home, scribbling, surfing the internet, tweeting and all that pretty self-involved activites. By encountering this, I gather the urge to get this problem solved. I need to get back and be a normal social person. Hashtag POUW!

Me being shallow-minded

I don’t like here. I don’t know whether I am taking the right path or not. It is just a plain blur. I feel like this is not something that I’ll be doing for a long term. My dream is a jumbled word. I need to get a grip and get it all together fast. I am not a visionary person afterall. Wouldn’t blame the situations either but I am heading nowhere. There will be no finish line that I could possibly aim. It almost feels like running with no end. I am passionate but never find the truest passion. Opinions and suggestions would make no use right now. People keep blabbing but never have they been competent in doing actions. They are worthless piece of junk. Yes, I am that person who dislikes hypocrisy and false promises. They have ruined my belief toward humanity.

Ever imagined people that are very close-related to you always say the nicest bullshit in front of you yet they still feel that they are so self-righteous and so confident in what they are talking about? I have been so silent for quite a long time now. I hate how society always agrees in almost everything they’re given. I mean, what is that? Are we ever gonna be satisfied with this very simple-minded people? They are narrow, old-minded, and childish. It is always infuriating just to even think about it. I don’t fucking care about being normal and perfection. All I need is doing what I’m very best at and making people that matter to me happy. Regardless of how ironic this could sound, I currently have no one to look up to. It’s hard to find people who could exemplify the best role model. People are bitter.  

Letih. .
Seperti diriku tenggelam dalam ketidaktahuan.Letih mengejar sesuatu yang memberikan ketidakpastian. Mereka tidak mengerti apa arti sebuah ambisi. Mereka tidak pernah tahu isi hati. Letih aku berbicara bila hanya dianggap angin lalu. Betapa aku mencoba dan berusaha. Tidak ada titik puncak dan tidak ada kata-kata yang menyemangati. Kadang aku benci melihat mereka tertawa. Ingin ku menghujat mereka yang mendapatkannya begitu mudah. Hidup penuh kemakmuran dan berkecukupan, tetapi masih mengharapkan yang lebih. Aku bukanlah manusia suci. Dosa pun adalah makananku sehari-hari. Berjuang menghindarinya pun adalah suatu kenikmatan yang susah dilepaskan. Aku tertegun di pagi hari. Berpikir apakah hidup ini memberi arti? Apakah nanti mereka akan menyeka namaku didalam ingatan. Apakah aku hanya seorang yang tak berfaedah. Aku ingin hidup dalam anganku. Terlihat indah dan bebas. Aku merindu hidup dalam kasih dan berkasmaran. Munafik bila aku berkata aku benci dicintai. 

SPEAK! COMPETITION

Wouldn't wanna show off or anything but i wanna share the experience from joining the Speak Competition held by Speak magazine from Jakarta Post at Rasuna Epicentrum, Jakarta on November 10th. I didn't win but the fact that I was surrounded by talented inspiring youngsters who are eagerly thirst to make a change in the society is extremely thrilling. i brought the topic "bullying' to the surface and nothing excites me more than to know that I could take a huge stand raising this issue and be appreciated like this.

here are some shots :

 Featured in one of the edition of Speak magazine by Jakarta Post

 The announcement of the Winner ;)

I was the fourth to present my topic.

Proudest me

This is not going to be a so-called-bragging-self-proclaimed-awesome writing. I have this weird urge to write my thoughts out in my blog. I’m gonna start by saying that I am most definitely grateful to be me, Despite all the oddity and uniqueness that I am well-endowed, I am pretty elated that one particular sperm cell of my dad swam so swiftly to my mom’s egg and resulted in a magnificent me. That sounds biologically hyperbolic. Anyway, I’m not saying that I don’t struggle with my confidence and my low self-esteem. It’s just that I am at the point where I gather my thoughts carefully that I am supposed to be who I am. Yes, I’ve looked up to so many people and I am not denying that they don’t affect my point of view about my self-confidence.

I feel like I’ve grown up so much as a stronger person. I’ve gained a maturity that holds me to stay still when everything seems to fall apart. I believe that from every pain that cuts deep through my soul, I will pass through it. It has never come easy to me but I keep going. Looking back to the times where I find myself being called out, avoided and harshly-treated and I need to be thankful for all those miserable moments. Those aren’t even worth to be called “moments”. I pretty much realize that those have cultivated me to be the person who I am today. That I shouldn’t be  ashamed of anything. Those experiences have pushed me to beyond my limit and made me break all the boundaries.

There are lot of obstacles that hold me back but there are also plenty of wonderful opportunities out there waiting for me. Playing safe and restraining myself will not get me anywhere. This way has taught me to keep striving for what I want and what I believe in.

It amazes me that how people surround me and have so much faith in me. They have constantly given me the firing fuel to overcome anything. And believe me, there are so much to overcome. Dealing with the obviousness and the “what people think of you” has been the neverending issue in my life. I am always anxiously worried about people’s opinion about me. How are they gonna judge me? What if their perceptions about me are all awful? I figure that it’s not always pleasing people who don’t give a shit, rather it’s all about pleasing people who matter to me. The ones who deal with my flaws and still genuinely accept me for that.

I happen to have a lot of amazing people in my life who see me inside out and still love me. I happen not to flaunt it but I have to be thankful. It’s not like I force them to like me but they are willing to deal with me everyday because they always believe in me no matter what. They don’t fade but they stay the same.

In circumstances that I am under and for what God has created me this way, I am proud. I pity a lot of people who are so not confident in defining themselves. Each and everyone of us is unique in our weird way and the difference we share that somehow unites us. All I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with embracing yourselves. God has made you “serupa dengan Dia” so there is nothing to be ashamed of and you should be damn grateful for who you are. Peace out!