This was the last you saw me sobbing and down. This wasn't your fault. No one should ever feel blamed for this and neither should you. I didn't want you to bear this any longer. I couldn't hold this unbearable angst no more. I was upset. The guilt was there. I barely ate for this anxiety had gotten me through my veins. There wasn't an easy way. Therefore, I made up my mind. I found it being apart was all we needed. This wasn't a sweet escape and you shouldn't feel sorry about that. This was me ending it up and trying to set me free from the scrutiny of the romance. I couldn't help but giving up. I was soon jaded for this had led us to nothing. What was the point of keeping something that's not worth keeping?

I was a jealous tyrant. I couldn't help seeing you with anyone. I was that in love and I thought it was very superficial of me to be falling in love so dramatically. I thought the love that we had built would get stronger over time. But it didn't. It became less and I was more worried than deeply in love. I got so caught up in thinking about you doing. How scared I was once I knew that I could be replace by anyone. How brutally terrified I was to be losing you. I almost did crazy things. And then something had me realized. Something had opened my blurry eyes. I smiled and giggled. I was like, "what was I thinking? Thank God, I dodged the bullet." I began to understand that the word 'love' was nothing but a pure bullshit. I understood how people nowadays loved to play with the sincerity of the genuine feeling. And that wasn't something we should be proud of.

Now, i know the meaning of living a life to the fullest. I'm more liberated than ever. There's nothing that can chain me down. I am the best I've ever been.

Encouragement

Dreamy Christmas

Okeh, satu post di malam sesudah Natal. Yes, gua baru aja nyelesain Natal di gereja gua yang bertepatan dengan tanggal 25. Boleh gua bilang Natal tahun ini ada yang kurang berkesan. Gimana sih ya? Seperti kurang greget dan krenyes gitu (?) LOL. Omong-omong, tadi gua juga tampil di gereja karena ceritanya anak2 muda di gereja gua disuruh kasih performance gitu biar nunjukin ke-eksistensian kita -_- Dan kita nyanyiin lagu dari Planet Shakers - Beautiful Savior. Lagu-nya enak parah gak pake bohong dan tai kucing. Tapi tidak tahu kenapa jadi krik-krik krupuk Ibu yang jualan ayam di bawah gereja. Gua juga coba nyanyi sambil teriak tapi apa daya muka anak-anak yang main lain monoton kayak pembantu polos mau di ajarin ngewe. Sabodo teuing yang penting gua lakuin itu bukan untuk dilihat manusia kok. Tapi semata-mata dan sekaki-kaki untuk Tuhan gue YESUS KRISTUS.

Tanggal 25 Desember terasa amat sangat kurang berkesan buat gua. Pertama siang tuh gua ikut bonyok dan adik2 ku yang ku kasih jemput tante dan om. Dan sumpah ini super gak jelas. Jemput nganter mereka ke MOI, jemput kaka gue, trus balik. Bayangin ini tanggal 25 suruh jadi supir bolak-balik anterin mereka. Mati aja gua! Dan sore-nya harus bergegas tanpa Bagas ke Gereja buat acara Natal. Dan Natal ya itu2 aja, nyanyi-malamkudusan-nyalainlilin. Tradisi-lah yah? Jujur sejujurnya gua, tradisi kayak gitu itu yang bikin gua patah semangat pas Natal. Gak perlu lah yah, capek2 buat tradisi yang dari nenek-kakek moyang dilakuin. Gua tuh pengen ibadah lebih ke pengucapan syukur dan lebih ke kekeluargaan. Gak yang terlalu super serius. Lebih mengenal lagi satu sama lain dan dibuat lebih sederhana aja. *saran-loh-yah* Dan gua pasti ini bakal berkontradiksi dengan pemikiran engkong2 dan encing2 di gereja. Gua tuh pengen lebih dekat sama2 orang di gereja. Selama ini kan ketemu seminggu sekali dan itu juga cuma tegur sapa dan basa basi busuk doang. HAHAHA.

Intinya, gua gak puas sama Natal ini. Gua pengen Natal ini lebih ke keluarga. SUMPAH gua paling males Natalan ke Jakarta, ke sana sini kayak butuh donasi aja. Gua lebih nyaman Natalan bareng keluarga yang deket, trus kita kayak tukeran kado, trus puter lagu Natal. Itu impian Natal gue yang sempurna.

"when we have no more reason to get back up and move on, do it for those whose hopes in us, who believes in us. do it for those who cares about us the most. if you're tired and you feel that it's alright to let yourself down, remind yourself that it's not alright to let them down."

Piece of crappy thoughts

Would I ever be treated the same if I told you the truth? I’ve been collecting my thoughts about being open. I realize that I am sorta tired hiding in the closet. I know there are consequences to uphold. Who gives a damn about what people think? I quote one of Lisa D’Amato’s saying, “My confidence comes from a vulnerable place. It’s not that I’m super confidence. I got through it. I’ve gotten therapy. Here I am. I’m the best I’ve ever been.” It’s uplifting and encouraging. I could see to that. I could even relate to that. And when I see Lisa, I see a free-spirited, daring-in-your-face kind of girl. That’s what I’m aiming to become. I want to have a life that can inspire. All this time around, I’ve been second-guessing myself too often. I limit myself when I know that I’m capable of greatness. Here I am and I’m not gonna let anyone to tear me down. I’m strong enough to take criticism. I’m not gonna break when people start humiliating. I know I deserve better.

#favorite

“ Make the very good use of friendship. You never know what happens tomorrow. “

“ Sometimes, we thought that today was our worst day. Wait. It could turn out to be the best day in your life. “

“ I told you once, I’m telling you and will tell you again. You are one of the cutest guys I’ve ever been with. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. “

“ I was moved. My jaw dropped. No one ever treated me like that. I was extremely flattered. “